It is interesting to me about the whole fact of life. It is 10pm on a Saturday night, I am in shorts and a tee shirt with my hair done and only one eye of makeup finish. For the last couple months it has been a total “wait…what just happened moment.” Let me start off with a disclosure that though this is a rant of pissed offness, I do love my friends and wish them the best in the world, but honestly this just sucks.
We will start with this evening; I got a phone call at 7pm asking me to come out to Buffalo Wild Wings for some beers with Pocahontas, her sister and David. At the time I was babysitting, so I knew it wouldn’t be til later, but she said she was ready to party all night. At a quarter til 10, I texted her to let her know I was almost ready and I wanted to confirm the place of meeting. The text back I received was, long day of drinking, I am snuggled in my bed. My response, why didn’t you tell me that? I mean lets look at this from my point of view here for a minute. Here is my friend who for the last month and a half has been MIA from my life. I feel that I have been trying to go out of my way to see her and she isn’t even meeting me ¼ the way there. Treva is back in town the boy is back in the picture and now I never see her and she doesn’t even have the courtesy to text me canceling after she invited me out. So here I am, one eye done with eyeliner and the other not, perplexed about how my life has taken a 180 turn in the last 2 years.
Now two years is taking me back to Cincinnati but I will get back to that in a moment. Let’s talk about the last month and a half. So, on the other hand I have Shake Weight, who as you know has a man to practice her skills on. This has been amazing. They are so cute together, it is disgusting. But it is still new and I am trying to be sensitive to that fact. I don’t want to be the needy friend, because that is not me. However, when both of my friends are pre-occupied, I have nothing to do. I have actually at 22 years old, jumped on my bed 3x in the last week. It was fun, but not exactly what I wanted to be doing.
I can’t help but think that Dayton is just sucky. I look at it from a couple different ways. One, in Cincinnati if there was ever someone out of my core group of friends that didn’t want to do anything, I always had someone there to hang out with. It allowed me to see different types of people and on the plus side I was never alone. I had my quite time when I wanted it but I also had options. Where as now, I am at the mercy of when my friends are available. I have two main friends here in Dayton. Pocahontas and Shake Weight, though there are many different friends that when they come home from college I love to hang out with, but the ones who permanently live in this hell hole we call home. So the fact that they are both occupied, (I am happy for them) is really stressful to me. I feel lonely with no friends and facebook is actually starting to boor me. J I don’t have that choice anymore, it is a hard adjustment.
Two, I am afraid of the dark. I have been living with my parents now for a year. That whole 2 month thing went out the door! Whenever they go out of town I am to house sit (as talked about earlier, I have parties and people puke) but when they are gone longer than a couple days it becomes lonely and quite frankly, scary. So this past Thursday I got an hour or so of sleep because of the noises the house was making. After playing Wii and card games at Shake Weights house on Friday, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to intrude on the new couple time and the last thing I wanted to listen to was them making out while I was in the other room alone. Not my idea of a fun night, so I got in the car and drove. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t know of anyone to call in the area. Lauren was with the boy, Morgan was with the boy, my family was all asleep, the only other friends numbers I had was in Cincy so I ended up at my Grandma Sues house (after I had to call the main number hoping my grandma didn’t wake up and Doris or Rachel picked up. I didn’t want to wake the Alzheimer’s lady that would have been horrible! ) But it is amazing what family will do for you. When my cousin Rachel picked up the phone (half asleep) I was practically in tears and all I asked was if she could let me in. Her response was where are you? Though she may have been just asking a question, the way her tone of voice was said more than just the words. It was like she was going to come and find me. It meant the world. But Doris waking me up at 4am because she didn’t know I was there was PRICELESS. She hits me a couple times, I shield myself and she goes sorry Jamie, didn’t know you were here. Lol love her.
I go from writing about crazy wild times every other day to every 3 months. I go from seeing my friends, everyday to seeing them maybe once a week. They have fillers in their lives, but I just have an empty house. But it is what it is, and things will get better, I have to believe that.
Another “what just happened moment” happened today. I was talking about my career dreams. Those dreams that are important but really are not the main dreams I have. My friend who was having a Mary Kay Party, said me talking about my dreams made her jealous because I have those goals. I am able to fulfill that “need” of career. She is just working. However the way I see her life is; she is 22 years old, married, a college graduate, she has a decent paying job, her husband is going to get his PhD, and they have a cute apartment, two cars and a dog. What more could you ask for a 22? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Someone else always has it better. Though it is sweet that she feels my life is looking forward to the future, I just see career goals and not a future. I feel those personal needs are not being met. Sometimes I feel that I am never going to find that someone. I am not going to be able to have children. I am not going to be able to change legislation and save the world one child at a time. Life is what you make of it and these last couple months I feel that I am not living the life I want to have. Though June was exciting it was also financially consuming. But my personal needs were being met. I was working with children, hanging out with friends, working, doing mission work and though there wasn’t a boy in the picture, there were other needs being filled to make up for it. Now with lack of friends, no job and school is let out I have nothing to do except to jump on my bed.
HOWEVER---- Enough of this Debbie downer crap….10 more days until I leave this god forsaken city and go on a cruise with the Backstreet Boys!!! My friend Lauren (from Cincinnati yay) and I are taking Miami, FL, Key West and Cozumel by storm. I don’t think they are ready for us! When I get back from that trip I will be a new me and hopefully changing some things that are not good for MY future and help me to achieve MY goals. Jamie is on a path of change, if you don’t like it, then move my of the way! Here I come world! Are you ready???
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